The Plan Was Perfect – Monologue

For an acting class I had to write and perform a monologue. I took the CARES bank story and rewrote it from the robber’s perspective. I took some liberties but did validate the details with the police artist. This is what I imagined he said.

The Plan Was Perfect

How the hell did this happen? I never thought I’d end up in jail. I mean, it was a perfect plan! I cleaned banks, so I knew their routines. But I needed money, and a lot of it.

Even though it’s the 1980s, most banks have video security systems that suck. I just knew I could beat the system, and I figured out a great disguise. Sure, clothes were easy, but how to hide my face? I thought about a Halloween mask, but figured the cops would ask at the local stores. So, I decided to make one.

I took a white sweatshirt, cut off a sleeve and cut eyes and mouth holes into it. When I looked at myself in the mirror, everything was covered. The eyes and mouth were just dark spots. Genius, right? And the robbery went off real well.

The next day, when I watched the garbage truck carry away my sweatshirt parts, I was on top of the world. I didn’t want to do anything to attract attention. I even WENT TO WORK!

The cops picked me up a few days later to question me, but they didn’t have a damned thing. They showed me the video of the robbery, but it was just a guy wearing a sweatshirt sleeve – not me! I thought I was home free.

Then they showed a photo of ME robbing the bank without the sleeve on, and I was friggin’ shocked. I asked, “How the hell did you get that photo? Are you guys using an x-ray camera? That’s illegal.” Man, I was pissed.

In court, the police artist explained that she studied how pantyhose over a face changes the nose and ears so she could add them in. She put in a standard men’s haircut, eyes, mouth – and there I was.

I mean, fuck, who the hell studies how pantyhose squashes a face?

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